The Way I am

A cliche go-to question for job interviews or personal evaluations of any kind is usually some variation of the "greatest strengths/greatest weaknesses" question. For a teenager or fresh-out-of-college young adult, this can actually be an incredibly daunting thing to have to report about yourself. I have always been a pretty confident, self aware individual, but am not sure how realistically I've ever known myself nor have I always been comfortable enough with the things I do know to share them as the answer to the above question. I've spent the first 5 or so years of my young adult life trying on lots of different "hats" in an effort to discern who God has been shaping me into. Turns out, I've always just been "Maggie." Through the processes of shaping, growing, challenging, refining, breaking, strengthening, affirming, rebuking and everything in between, I've still always been Me- created me and loved just the way I am. And I've learned a lot about myself this year.

We have a tendency toward just owning our strengths. Or maybe for some, just owning our weaknesses. As I am becoming a more well adjusted adult, I think that the point is rather to be able to own both, and use them both in healthy ways. I've really enjoyed reading the "best of" lists of 2008 that many of my friends in the blogging world have posted, but as I sat down to create my own, I realized that more beneficial to me would be to make a list of the things I've learned about myself this year. They might not all be "new news" to many of you, but this list is rather of things I've come to acknowledge and accept about myself.

*I am an optimist. In most every situation I do not have to try very hard, or pretend, to be hopeful. I hope in the best of people, of situations, and of what's to come. This might be one of the things that I like best about myself. Also, unfortunately at times, this does come hand in hand with a bit of disappointment. And so a strength masquerades not surprisingly as a weakness at times.

*I am independant. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes to a fault. But I am confident that I can take care of myself and more often than not do not mind doing so, for now. Although, taking care of me by fixing something or doing something thoughful for me is one of the ways I feel most loved.

*I trust my intuition.

*I am scared of spiders. Like, embarrassingly. I actually really resent this. I scream like a girl, and all kinds of extremely irrational thoughts flood my brain and generally paralyze me into an obnoxiously girly stereotype that jumps on the couch or hides behind something to shield me from the 1 inch long eight-legged menace to society. Yes, I scare easily.

*I procrastinate. It's just the way it is.

*I love my graduate program.

*While sometimes it may appear that I have a hard time making decisions about things (ask Becky or Hilary about the worlds longest ordering fiasco at the Cheesecake Factory), when it comes to big stuff, stuff that matters, I trust myself to make wise decisions.

*I don't play hard to get. I am hard to get. In fact, I don't try to be this way at all. For a long time, I have viewed this as a flaw. And in some situations, it definitely feels like it is. But, in my old age, I have come to view it just as truth. I am complex and I know what I want and am not prone to settling to any degree. I suppose that this goes for friendships as well as romantic relationships. It may take me a while to warm up to you, but when you're in you're in, and it'll be hard to get rid of me.

*I am very loyal. Like a golden retriever.

*I am not a patient driver. By any stretch of the imagination. I blame my dad and brothers for this one.

*My taste in movies might not be all that refined, but they make me happy.

*I have a pretty low tolerance for pain, uncomfortable social situations, condiments, and people who talk during movies I've never seen/tv shows that I care about.

*I don't like to be told what to do. Yes, I admit it (don't tell my mother!)- I am a bit stubborn.

*I don't like to be told when I am wrong (see above). However, I've been pleased to learn that there are precious few individuals who can tell me when I am wrong, when I'm being stubborn or impatient or selfish in their particular way and it melts my defenses and encourages me to be better. A few of these people know who they are, and a couple don't, but I kind of like it that way.

*I love my friends more than anything else in the world, and would more often than not choose them over anything else going on. Work, homework, sleep, gas money, and everything in between.

*I am like the poster child of an ENFP.

*I like being alone. This one took me 6 months living in a studio to realize.

*I love games. Maybe more than your average 24 year old. Turns out (I've finally stopped denying the cold hard truth) I am quite competitive.

*I just might be able to stick out life in California for the long haul. A recent development, it's no longer off the table.

*I love listening to people's stories. Funny stories, sad stories, scary stories, emotional stories, boring stories, sixth time around stories...it's hard for me to get bored when I am listening to someone I care about talk. A good sign that I am pursuing a career that I will enjoy!

This list is nowhere near exhaustive, of course. But as I finally found some time to sit down and do a little new years reflecting, these are the things that came to mind first and the ones that I felt like putting down on paper. Real Simple floods my inbox with "thoughts of the day" that are sometimes awesome and sometimes totally lame, but I love them nonetheless. Last week I got one with a quote from Billy Connelly (no idea who that is) and while it may not have been the profoundest of observations, I found it's truth to be oddly comforting. "A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag." Ain't that the truth?

Love a Little Stronger

There's a Diamond Rio song circa oh, about 1994 that still gets some pretty consistent playing time on my iPod called Love a Little Stronger. As with all the best classic country love songs, this one has a catchy tune that never gets old, and a message that I never get tired of hearing. Love a little stronger, dig a little deeper, go a little farther, anything to please you... I didn't need another reason to keep this song close to the top of the ranks, but this morning in church I was surprised to hear and feel the simple message of this song painted in a different light.

Our church is starting a series for the new year based on the idea of learning to love deeply. The sermons for the next five weeks will be loosely based on the ideas of Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. While the book was written to help couples learn and understand how to love and be loved better, the truth of how we receive and show love in all contexts is based on these five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch, and in the person of Christ, all five love languages are powerfully illustrated in the way he demonstrated how to love others well. I read this book in college and am looking forward to reading it again in the context of my current schooling. I found it to be simple and straightforward, honest, and insightful in my own understanding of myself.

I love new years day. Anything that brings a welcomed and universal catalyst for change, for goal setting, and a reason to be encouraged to challenge yourself and grow, I'm a sucker for it. A birthday, new job, new school year or calendar year- any and all of these will suffice. And so, in the new year, I am looking forward to learning and practicing in my relationship with God, with family, friends, and neighbors how to love and be loved as I have been called to; deeper, stronger, and without fear.

"Follow God's example, therefore,
as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love,
just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us
as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."
Ephesians 5:1-2

Ready to Run

I signed up for a half marathon. It's in May, which is nice, considering it has been ages since I have been a consistent and disciplined runner. I'm seriously excited about it. My characteristic blind optimism operating in full force, I got new shoes, picked up the doctor recommended knee braces since I jacked myself up in high school lacrosse, loaded up my Shuffle with good jams, and set out for my first run of the year.

And, it SUCKED. I mean, I used to love running. But that's because I used to be good at it. And I know that in time I will grow to love running again. But after about a month of finals, holiday parties and holiday travel and holiday laziness, it was the longest 2.73 miles of my life. I was miserable. Who chooses a loop with serious hills when they haven't run and barely even worked out in a couple months anyway?! Oh well. I already paid my 65 dollars for the wine country half marathon, and I have five months to get better...

When I got back from the torture run, my sweet roommate Jen was sitting at the table having breakfast. After I told her I wanted to shoot myself for 25 of the 30 minutes I was out, she said... "Yeah, I was going to say something, but you were so excited. Getting back into it is miserable." And then she kind of tried not to laugh at me.

I know this. But, does whatever really doesn't kill you actually make you stronger? I hope so. That stupid little amateur run near killed me, but since it didn't, I sincerely hope that the old running muscles are already being strengthened. Because I'm ready. 2009 is going to be the year that I am transformed back into a runner. Pray for me though. Your encouragement and suggestions for enduring the terrible beginning phase will be much appreciated.