There's Beauty in the Breakdown

Saturday was the breakdown. I think I've had it coming.

I'm not going into all the details of what broke me, just that I've spent the last few days broken.

But there's so much beauty in that place. More often than not, crying and brokenness result in comfort and a reassembly of the pieces, better than they were before.

Last night as my professor was praying for us before class, a tear that I didn't even know I had left escaped from my eye.

"Lord, we are fragile. We know You hold our lives in Your capable hands. But sometimes we think we'd rather take them back; and in doing so, often we break. Pick up the pieces of our scattered lives, comfort us, keep us, hold us, and help us to rest in Your faithful and guiding hands."

That's all, really. I'm kind of hurting and sad, and I'm pretty confused and frustrated, but I'm also oh so grateful. There is beauty in the breakdown, if you're willing to see it.

Something's Gotta Give

If you didn't already know, I've been in a bit of a tug of war recently with time. Not even necessarily just in terms of quantity or quality of time. I think I am in a wrestling match and it's me-my hopes and imagination and anxiety, versus the entire concept of time. I can't slow it down, speed it up, fast forward or rewind, pause, erase... Yes, apparently I want TiVo time. Do I have some deep seated control issues? More than probably.

But I know I have enough time. The problem, I'm realizing, is deeper than that. I'm not entirely convinced that I am presently using all of that time very well. Or much of it, really. I've spent the last few weeks convincing myself that my dissatisfaction with the way I use my time is a byproduct of my circumstances, with a "this too shall pass" kind of attitude. Not a good plan. I don't want my life to just happen to me while I wait, watching it fly by. As Iris puts - yes, in the Holiday - "you're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life."

I don't want to wait for my life to be easier to do well. I just want to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and live a life that I am proud to call my own. I want to be joyful and celebratory. I want to love the people in my life the way they deserve to be loved. Give them my full attention, and my best attention. I want to write notes, take naps, study hard, keep my house clean and my car washed and my garden watered. I want to cook healthy and delicious meals, make time for long walks and morning quiet times. I want to bloom where I have been planted, and I need to live generously, simply, gently, and faithfully.

I don't know when I started this pattern of sometimes being no more than a passive spectator of what's happening around me. But I do know that something's gotta give here.

Here's to Buoyancy...

"buoys never sink they just bob around"

-bumper sticker

I was driving home from school yesterday, trying to think about anything other than crawling directly into bed to nurse the constant cough I have which is a result of a dirty case of bronchitis. Luckily, I had the pleasure/distraction/annoyance of driving behind a big, beautiful F350 with a bumper sticker proudly displaying the above (bizarre) statement.

I spent a solid 30 minutes behind this guy on the 118, racking my brain for some sort of deeper meaning. I made sure to get a good look to see if it was from a store, or something. Not as far as I could tell. So what the heck does this mean?! "Buoys never sink they just bob around." Seriously. I've googled it. Nothing. I tried to figure out if it was from a movie or anything. It's making me crazy. Well, no; I'll probably forget about it tomorrow.

But I'd at least like to come up with a good hypothesis as to what would make one display this so proudly across their bumper. Honestly. Any thoughts?!?!

I Just Want to Dance With You

I couldn't not put this up. It just made me so happy.

If You Ain't Lovin, You Ain't Livin

"As we grow
older
and realize

more clearly

the limits of

human happiness,

we come to see

that the only

real and

abiding

pleasure

in life

is to give

pleasure

to

other
people."

-P.G. Wodehouse

I had lunch with a friend yesterday and we spent a solid couple of hours talking about relationships; our failures and shortcomings, insecurities, laziness and lack of effort, hopes, dreams and my frustration with my general inability to be the person I'd hoped to be when it comes to loving well. We vented, questioned, and extended challenges. We listened to one another, defended ourselves, and theorized about the greater cultural and societal influences and pressures that have made us the way we are.

At one point he just paused to gather his thoughts for a moment and then said "I mean, I hope that grad school is the most selfish time of our lives." I sincerely hope not. I mean, I completely understand his point. I have never before been required to think so much about me in my life. But as a person bent toward selfishness anyway, I hope that the most selfish time of my life is behind me. I hope that I will be able to not just do well in these classes as far as grades and career recommendations are concerned. I hope and pray that I'll absorb this stuff. I hope that I take to action this practice and these theories of good and healthy problem solving, communicating, risk taking, healing, listening, forgiving, loving and loving well.

Mostly his comment struck me because, presently, my life is all about me; and I'm actually scared of what would happen if I were to really truly completely open up to the idea of sharing it with someone, anyone, else. But, worse, it scares me more not to.

I've opened up the big fat pandora's box of thinking about the level of self-involvement currently seeping into every area of my life. Which begs the inevitable: "So, what are you going to do about it?"

I have no freaking clue. I'll have to get back to you. But I promise I'm thinking about it.

Tonight I'll Be Lonely Too

I have a lot of friends. And I really don't say that in an effort to convince myself that people like me, or to brag about how popular and awesome I am. It's just true. I have a lot of friends.

This is something that I generally enjoy and am thankful for. Occasionally, like 2 percent of the time, I wish I had fewer friends simply because it makes me sad to think about all the things I miss due to the fact that I can't hang out with and keep in close contact with everyone I've ever met and loved nearly as often as I'd like. But I'm coming to realize that the nature of adult friendships is just different than the nature of live-with-you-and-spend-every-waking-minute-with-you camp or college friends. This is good and healthy, and I think I am finally coming to terms with it. If I love you and care about you, and you love and care about me, and we make every effort to remind each other that we have not totally forgotten one another even though we may not live in the same place anymore or have crazy schedules and responsibilities that prevent us from seeing or calling each other as often as we'd like, we're still friends and will remain friends.

On Saturday though, I might as well have been a total loner who lives in a van down by the river or something and not the social butterfly I have always known myself to be. You think I'm overreacting? It's possible, but not likely.

I don't often find myself feeling lonely, so it's not an emotion that I handle very well.

It took me a little while to identify it, but on Saturday afternoon, loneliness overwhelmed me. All of my friends had totally legit reasons for not being able to hang out with me when I called them. Dinner with sisters or friends from out of town, spouse birthday dinners, church events, they were out of town...

Now, it is not uncommon for me to spend a Friday or Saturday night at home alone in my pajamas doing homework, watching a movie, painting my nails, cooking, reading the newest Real Simple, or cleaning by choice. I actually love this. I am a homebody for sure. But when loneliness begins to creep in (and it does frequently try) I generally kick it's butt right out of there by calling a good friend to chat or meet me for coffee or go to dinner with me or something. It almost always works; even despite my serious lack of a husband or boyfriend or dog (read: constant loyal companion...).

But being alone on a Saturday night when it's not by choice is an open invitation for loneliness to come on over and set up camp for the evening. And it did just that.

I realized quickly that I already lost the battle and loneliness was going to be my stubborn companion for the evening so I surrendered my fight around 4:30 p.m. I submitted and consequently could not get Allison Krauss' "Tonight I'll be Lonely, Too" out of my head for a good thirty minutes or so.

But I think it was good for me.

I am undoubtedly a glass-is-half-full rose colored glasses optimist. In a strange way, when my short bout with loneliness ended only a few hours later, I kind of missed it.

It felt good to be lonely for a little while. To let myself just be sad for a little bit and be reminded that even though I am often good enough company for myself, I long for the fullness and richness of relationship in the deepest parts of my heart. Missing my friends, even the ones I had seen as recently as earlier that morning, served to remind me that I am so grateful for good friends. And longing to one day be married, feeling a momentary incompleteness without that kind of relationship in my life was okay for a few hours. It made me feel alive and hopeful and capable of loving.

Allowing myself to be lonely for a little bit reminded me, too, of the love and comforting presence of God. As a seminary student, I sometimes get temporarily stuck in some of the technical and academic parts of doing theology and reading about experiencing God. But in the raw moments, when I'm curled up in bed on a Saturday afternoon wanting to have a small pity party for myself, God is there. He is there as a Father whose warmth and comforting presence is welcome and undeniable.

Time, Time, Time

Sometimes I get antsy.

I feel like I often find myself waiting for all kinds of things in my young adult life. Waiting to graduate from Westmont. Waiting for the right job, or to feel right in any job. Waiting to get into graduate school. Waiting to start, and now, waiting to finish graduate school. Waiting for my heart to break, and waiting for my heart to heal. Waiting for summer, or fall, or winter, or summer again. Waiting for love. Waiting for a place I live to feel like home. Waiting to see my family or friends after it's been too long. Waiting to be pursued. Waiting for the next episode of Private Practice or Gossip Girl. Waiting to fit into my skinny jeans. Waiting for my nail polish to dry or the stoplight to turn green.

Generally, I find myself feeling like I either have too much time, or not enough time. (Not enough time to sleep, get ready for work, read, pray, study, exercise, cook...)

There is a Celtic saying (yes, I came across this little gem on a Good Earth tea bag)..."when God made time, He made enough of it."

I'd like to believe this with my whole heart and mind, all the time. I think I'm officially making this my new M.O. When God made time, He made enough of it. It's so simple, really. Of course God made just the right amount of time. Next time you find me complaining about where I am on the spectrum of impatient to hyper-stressed, please remind me that I have enough time. And remind me to use it well.

Like Coming Home

A throwback to September 2005...
...And October 2008 at the Kougar's wedding...

I just got back from spending the weekend in Ashland, Oregon for Kacey's wedding. A college roommate and beloved friend, her friendship and the girls that come with it represent (and will always) what friendship at it's very best should be.

With Katie and Kylea, Kacey, Elyse, Hilary and Shannon, I am at home. I may not necessarily feel like Santa Barbara is home yet, or that Glenview is home anymore, nor do I even feel at home in my own skin sometimes...but with my friends I am home. They can make me laugh harder than anyone else, and we have walked through some of the toughest times of our lives together. They make sitting around in pajamas at 3 in the afternoon watching smutty tv with bottomless coffee cups seem like the most fun activity in the world, can eat with the best of 'em, dance, sing, cry, hug, tease, wake up early, joke, encourage, and take whipped cream shots like no one else I know. I can't believe it's been two years since we have all been together. Although we most definitely missed Shannon and all the Shannon-ness that she brings to the group, I could not have been happier to spend four days doing the things we do best, with the girls I do life best with.

As if my cup does not overflow already (right Hil?!) with these six characters, there are a handful of others who fill my heart with light and life and love, without whom I would not be completely who I am. And I needed to be reminded of that this week. Leaving Ashland, I was sad to see everyone heading in different directions to the different places we currently call home, but overwhelmed with gratitude at the fact that I get to keep Hil with me in Santa Barbara. While we are stretched across the map, and the times we get to spend all together are growing depressingly less frequent due to busy busy adult lives, I can see Hil pretty much whenever I want to, and for that piece of sanity I am increasingly thankful. I have fabulous roommates and friends in Santa Barbara and people like Becky who come to stay for long visits. When Becky comes it's like a 2 (or 3 or 5...) day party/therapy session. She knows me and listens to me and encourages me and speaks truth into my life like very few others are capable of. And there's Emily. The old faithful, despite the fact that the majority of our friendship has been done distance style, we have always made one another a priority. The way she views the world and the passion she has for life and what she will do with it and the love she shows to those around her are just a couple of items on the long list of things I admire about her. Taking full advantage of my long commute to and from school, I have rarely been as thankful for my cell phone as I was on Tuesday, as we were able to talk as if we were not in different time zones and be present in the big and small things of our adult lives in ways that matter.

This week, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for these friendships.

I could not imagine life without them, but am pleased that I do not have to. Because life without them is just not an option. These friends, these mirrors and roots and shoulders to cry on and comedians to rely on are as much a part of me as my own hands and feet and heart.

Two People in Love is a Beautiful Thing

It is officially wedding season. Yes, summer is wedding season as far as the time of year is concerned, but right now, it is wedding season in my life. Well, not in my life per se (an issue reserved for later posts, I'm sure...) but in this mid-twenties time of life, weddings weddings weddings are everywhere.

I spent last weekend in Ashland Oregon to celebrate Kacey's wedding. The wedding itself was stunning, Kacey was the picture of a blushing bride- happy, at peace, and simply glowing all weekend (unless she was thinking about the weather, which I am pleased to say, did in fact cooperate quite perfectly, despite the forecasts). The ceremony and reception took place at a "friend's" house/pear orchard and was perfect in every way. It was so Kacey, and it was so fun to be there and be a part of such a blessed day.

When Kacey met Alan, she was pretty much sold from the get-go. Since the two of them live in Boise, the wedding weekend was the first time I actually met Alan, so I was thankful for the opportunity to spend some time with him and his friends and family, getting a feel for who this man is that has brought such love and life to my dear friend. I was more than impressed, and overwhelmed with joy at seeing Kacey so happy, so in love, and so loved back. Seeing them together was, truly, a beautiful thing.

Better Together

A few weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to be able to celebrate the marriage of two of my dearest friends. There are not words for the place Josiah holds in my heart, kind of like a little brother, big brother, jester and dear friend all rolled into one, in the best way. Trust me, this is a wonderful combination. To know Josiah and to have the privilege of his friendship is a special honor. Among all of us girls he has always been known to be quite a catch, if only he could find that "special lady" who would bear gracefully the whole package of Jos.

Jess is more than a special lady. More than the special lady we'd been hoping Josiah would find. She came into my life a little later than Jos, but I knew instantly that we would be dear friends. We traveled Europe together (a great way to build a foundation for friendship), and have since committed to treasured weekly coffee, happy hour, or dessert outings with Robin and Karli. Over the years, Jess has challenged me, encouraged me, and impressed me with her kind and patient heart, humble spirit, and graceful way of doing life.

Two of my favorite individuals in life have found and committed their lives to love one another and I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are so much better together.

What a joy it was to be present for the beginning stages of the relationship, watching two of my friends find interest in one another, and then to watch their love grow in strength and commitment. How exciting it was to walk with Jess through the wedding planning process, and to see a new side of my friend Josiah through her eyes, and to be so proud and humbled to witness even a small piece of the love the two of them share. I have never been more moved in a wedding ceremony, as the two of them knelt before the Lord, in front of their friends and family, and promised to love one another faithfully and completely-placing this love in the hands of the One who brought them together and blesses and keeps them.

Aristotle was the first to acknowledge in his general metaphysics principle of Holism that in any given system, the whole is more than the sum of its parts. A husband plus a wife does not equal a married couple. And God intended for it to be this way. Together, they are more. Together, hopefully, as with Jess and Josiah, they are better.