So this is Christmas.

So this is Christmas

And what have you done

Another year over

And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas

I hope you have fun

The near and the dear one

The old and the young

A very Merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

Let's hope it's a good one

Without any fear

I've always liked this Christmas song, but with a different sentiment than most of my other holiday music selections. Rather than being spiritually moving, or dripping with cheesy holiday cheer, I've found that there is truth in these words that reflects a reality of Christmas as we get older. Wish hard as I might, in my "old age" Christmas is no longer all mistletoe and holly, presents under the tree, and snuggling by the fire while it snows outside. Mixed with the usual excitement of returning home for the holidays to a beautiful white Chicago Christmas to visit old friends and catch up with my crazy cousins was a bit of loneliness and sadness which I know from my extensive knowledge of Christmas movies and music is commonly associated with the holiday season.

The nostalgia of the holiday season gets to me pretty deeply. I put up my tree early and listen to Christmas music almost exclusively. I think of good memories of Christmas seasons that are long gone with Brad and Grandma who I miss dearly-especially at this time of year. I think about how my cousins are growing so fast that I can't keep up, and how much I am missing by being across the country from them. I welcome their funny stories and little laughs and sweet hugs, trying to take in their little personalities which have changed so much since last time I was home. I feel the tension of returning home as an adult yet still feeling sometimes like a child. I try to keep my head and heart from spinning in circles as more and more of my friends are getting engaged, married, having their first babies. I try to enjoy the current holiday season for what it is, rather than hoping and wishing and dreaming about starting traditions of my own with a future family that seems, at this time of year, painfully out of reach. And I work hard to hold my head high and ignore the feelings of being left out as friends are splitting holidays with new families and experiencing the increased amounts of sentimental moments that like it or not we are all hard wired to desire at Christmastime. I try to push all of these heartaches aside and sit quietly with God, appreciating the spiritual significance of the season, only to grow increasingly frustrated with my lack of patience and discipline. I reflect on the year that has passed, all I am grateful for, and I hope and dream and pray about the new year.

So, this is Christmas. Truly, the most wonderful time of the year. I do love it. But, for now, I'm glad the new year has begun.