Something's Gotta Give

If you didn't already know, I've been in a bit of a tug of war recently with time. Not even necessarily just in terms of quantity or quality of time. I think I am in a wrestling match and it's me-my hopes and imagination and anxiety, versus the entire concept of time. I can't slow it down, speed it up, fast forward or rewind, pause, erase... Yes, apparently I want TiVo time. Do I have some deep seated control issues? More than probably.

But I know I have enough time. The problem, I'm realizing, is deeper than that. I'm not entirely convinced that I am presently using all of that time very well. Or much of it, really. I've spent the last few weeks convincing myself that my dissatisfaction with the way I use my time is a byproduct of my circumstances, with a "this too shall pass" kind of attitude. Not a good plan. I don't want my life to just happen to me while I wait, watching it fly by. As Iris puts - yes, in the Holiday - "you're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life."

I don't want to wait for my life to be easier to do well. I just want to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and live a life that I am proud to call my own. I want to be joyful and celebratory. I want to love the people in my life the way they deserve to be loved. Give them my full attention, and my best attention. I want to write notes, take naps, study hard, keep my house clean and my car washed and my garden watered. I want to cook healthy and delicious meals, make time for long walks and morning quiet times. I want to bloom where I have been planted, and I need to live generously, simply, gently, and faithfully.

I don't know when I started this pattern of sometimes being no more than a passive spectator of what's happening around me. But I do know that something's gotta give here.